I'm one of those guys who discovers things on the Internet a year after everyone else does, so if everybody's seen this already I apologize but this is one of the best Craigslist postings for a musician wanted ever
SERIOUS guitarist looking for like-minded bandmates to make it big. (Poughkeepsie)Reply to: comm-677453250@craigslist.orgDate: 2008-05-12, 11:13AM EDT
Look here, Hudson Valley. I’m tired of answering ads on these pages only to find poseurs, geeks and acoustic folk acts who want me to change my unique playing style to match their style. It’s time for a band that is as unique and forceful as I am, and I’m taking no prisoners.
This monumental effort will require the cooperation of a thunderous bass player with the mind and skills to keep this beast of a freight train on its tracks while a talented drummer will unleash an unrelenting hailstorm of destruction down upon his kingdom of percussion. The band will need to be as focused and driven as I am, willing to meet two, perhaps three times a week. When I host a practice session, I treat it like an Ultimate Fighter match, where nobody leaves until someone taps out. If you think you’ve got the endurance and fire to keep up, then bring your best, but be warned… I don’t let up, and I don’t want to share a stage with anyone who will.
As you can see from my picture, I wear chain mail to protect my body from the rigors of extreme playing. When you step up on stage with a true performer like myself, it’s like stepping into battle, only instead of swords and arrows, we fight with 32nd notes and pinch harmonics. So in a way, the chain mail is largely symbolic, but my legions of fans have come to appreciate and expect it. You may don similar armor, but only if it fits the theme (no hockey masks or umpire’s vests).
You are expected to have suitable gear. If you can see the top of your amplifier, don’t bother answering this ad. It is expected that you will have a commitment to tone that approaches mine. (would be impossible to exceed, to be quite honest) I have a pedalboard that is ten feet long and would not dare sacrifice a single effect for the sake of portability. My pedals are alphabetized so that I can easily find them in the middle of “battle”. Behringer up front, Zoom at the end. When you’ve been in the business as long as I have, you tend to come up with little time-saving tricks like that.
So that is my decree. I know that many of you will mock my demands and continue posting your offers and requests for lesser musicians. You may continue to carry on at your own leisurely pace, hoping for a shot at a coffee house or open mic night. I will not rest until we have our own stadium on the moon, with amplifiers pointed towards the sky’s infinite expanses, so that we may truly rock the galaxy. I wish for you to join me on this epic quest.
Yours in rock-^v-Riley-v^-
Neil Annwn: You may don similar armor, but only if it fits the theme (no hockey masks or umpire’s vests).
You may don similar armor, but only if it fits the theme (no hockey masks or umpire’s vests).
This dude is the champion. Pretty much the all-time greatest. He's high-riding a red Strat in chain mail over a hairy chest in what appears to be an attic/locker room.
He won't reply to my e-mails :(
I like how his arm and thumb screams "Who's never had sex before? THIS GUY!!"
Oh, and I like how his trousers seem to look like nu metal pants.
Neil Annwn: You are expected to have suitable gear. If you can see the top of your amplifier, don’t bother answering this ad.
You are expected to have suitable gear. If you can see the top of your amplifier, don’t bother answering this ad.
He must be looking for a band of "little" people.
Neil Annwn: Behringer up front, Zoom at the end.
Behringer up front, Zoom at the end.
No way can this be real. That combination of pedals is majestic. I wonder if there is a Digitech RP10 in the chain under the D section. Also did Dean Cameron and Richard Grieco know they have a son that rocks so hard?
Scat by numbers.
Ha! I had a Digitech RP6 in like 1995.
I bet dude's primary source of distortion is a Metal Zone pedal with the mids scooped.
LOL, What is this guys deal?! is this for real?
Gary Carter: Ha! I had a Digitech RP6 in like 1995. I bet dude's primary source of distortion is a Metal Zone pedal with the mids scooped.
I owned a Digitech Whammy II, which I used with bass. A few months later Digitech must of heard the annoying sounds I was making and came out with the Bass Whammy. Totally not nessesary.
Are you sure this guy would pony up for a Metal Zone? That's kind of spendy considering the ching he laid down for the chain mail. All I know is he has to own a DOD death metal pedal. No not the new digitech ones, the vintage DOD one. Those are the ones with the tone, er I mean flesh.
"As you can see from my picture, I wear chain mail to protect my body from the rigors of extreme playing."
The rigors of extreme playing? Like Elvish Bowmen?
www.myspace.com/owenonline
www.owensartori.com
O-O-OhOhOh: "As you can see from my picture, I wear chain mail to protect my body from the rigors of extreme playing." The rigors of extreme playing? Like Elvish Bowmen?
What the hell does that even mean?
ps. of course this ad is fake, but it was damn well written. I love it.
It couldn't be fake, c'mon we all know this guy! Doesn't he post here twice per week at least?
He probably plays through a Marshall and depends on a distortion pedal...
...he still isn't answering my emails :(